Conversation that triggered "kindled thoughts"... to refer to without losing it.

Bonnie Tirpe Heikkila I am sorry for the many who do not feel supported by those around them. I do not feel abandon(ed). I feel supported by God! He always seems to send what I need on a day I need it ! I work hard to financially keep the life I shared going and ask for nothing but a kind word from those around me. I try very hard not to dwell on who is or is not here with me. It's my journey and I look at it as an opportunity to speak about cancer and widowhood rather than help for myself. I know my journey will one day be someone else's and I would like them to think back on how I handled the loss in a good way. I keep in mind that my husband had the cancer and he was the one who passed away. He deserves the pity and praise for what he suffered. Not me. I want to make people be comfortable talking to me and reach out to new people too. I have control of this journey and really with God at my side... he provides those I need.

  · 3 · June 25 at 1:21am

Gretchen Christian Thank you! Your words shifted something in my mind as I read them, and it was as if Abba was giving me a new and different way to understand this journey, in that My life has always been MY journey. Different people have come into and out of it as I have traveled its course, some more personal in their contact and others less, some staying longer and others less. Only I myself and the Lord God have been truly constant in it, and so it shall be forever! How did I miss this till now?

 · 1 · June 25 at 8:37am ·Edited - clearly this is the time i edited it... the response would not precede it

Joyce Ansell I am glad you see this in a positive impact and attitude. Which, I have as much as I could, too, even with the evil in my life. So I have to ask, if your life is going great and you are not having any issues; why are you here in the widows group? You must have had an issue or a struggle or you want to read each of ours. I am just curious. I am here to help others. And my journey is not over, never will be. And I have my faith and love of God who has guided me, too.

 · June 25 at 2:56am

Gretchen Christian Oh, my husband of 32+ years was abruptly snatched from my life 3.75 years ago, and I've been in some very dark places since then. Not constantly, to be sure, but the rejectedness that began this thread of conversation is no stranger to me!
Perhaps I ought to have inserted something to indicate that what followed was the changed perspective, not the way I have been viewing my life. I shall attempt to fix that.

Like · Reply · 1 · June 25 at 4:39am ·Edited

Bonnie Tirpe Heikkila Joyce Ansell, my life is by no means perfect, I cry daily for my husband as he was truelly the love of my life. I work at being positive, it does not just happen. It does not mean I stop searching and trying to find new ways to move forward or to see how others may do this. There is no rule book on grief. Why am I here? I am still a grieving wife....he has only been gone a year, to stay positive I find d it easier not to focus on myself but to give ....sometimes it is my point of view that can help someone as was the case in Gretchen Christian s comment above. In helping others I am helping myself to stay positive in the worst storm of my life. That's why I am here! I also never said my life was going great you assumed this..I have a,17 year old daughter who fell to depression after my husband's cancer and death. I had to give up my job to care for her and make sure she did not get taken by this disease too...as well as my three other children who needed me. At the age of 53 I had to start all over again finding a job and keeping a mortgage as well as everything else going on my own. And after all this I am still here on earth ..still standin....but it takes work...life is how you look at it. If you only see bad....you only get bad. I chose to be positive and to help others to see it too....my husband loved me just that much. His love allows me to see good..even in my storm! And isn't the name Widows Hope an indicator of why we are here? To give hope to one another..not to judge why a widow is here....we all need that....hope. ❤

 · 2 · June 25 at 12:12pm ·Edited

Bonnie Tirpe Heikkila Gretchen Christian, Thank you and I am glad you saw value in my comment. I too originally saw the loss of support from those around me..until God opened my eyes and heart to see my journey for what it really was...my journey. It is not up to the world to try to correct the loss of my husband nor those around me. It's more about me picking myself up realizing it was my husband who suffered and is not here. How I chose to deal with his loss is totally up to me and really...only I can help myself....no one can do this for me but me and God..so my choice is to put my husband first as I did my 33 years of marriage and understand he suffered, he is not here. I must go on as hard as it is and continue working to be positive. Helping others to do the same. When I first came on this site and read all the sadness others felt I almost did not come back. One year, 4 years, 10 years and still they find no hope in life which is fine for others if that is what they chose BUT for me.....my adult children deserve a mom.They have lost their dad and I will not let the cancer rob my children of a mom who is very much alive. I do not want them to say I died the day their dad did. I want them to remember me as loving them and others enough while in my own storm to continue to live life best I can and to help those around me... That means forgiving others and not looking to see who abandon me but to see God's hand staying with me and giving me strength and courage to go on without my soulmate.
I must note, my dad passed away of cancer as well as my brother, I lost another brother to suicide and my mom to a stroke along with both my husband's parents. I live here with no family around me other than my children as our relatives live in Michigan! I am no stranger to loss or abandonment . I by no means have had an easy life and at the age of 53 am truelly on my own. What I hope to do with my comments is to inspire those who are ready to see the good in life or to find a,new way to look at their circumstances that will help them live life without their love the best they can ..that is what I had to do to get through this. I also believe the comment made by Joyce Ansell was directed at me. So sad a fellow widow would judge another widow for trying to have a positive outlook to give to others instead of dwelling in sadness and ask why We are here. You are the reason I am here....people who actually are looking at themselves,and wanting to do better and learn how to move forward by the road others have traveled. Stay positive in your storm...and never stop living life..it's too darn short to stay miserable as some do. Wishing you peace and comfort!

 · 3 · June 25 at 11:58am

George Owiti No matter their rejection but almighty father god is always pouring blessings to us widows /widowed that keep us going stay strong and blessed

 · 2 · 23 hrs

Gretchen Christian oh, one of the instances (if i may be so bold) of unhelpful helpfulness that i've received as recently as this last Sunday morning, was along the lines of, "You can do it yourself, just go on YouTube ... they'll show you how to do almost anything you need to fix, repair, replace, etc." (and, unsaid) "but we don't have the time or inclination to be of any more help than that."

Today... May 5, 2016

This just came across my Facebook news feed... and while i'm glad to know SOME people believe this... it certainly hasn't been my experience, tho', harking at least all the way back to 1958! and recurring frequently enough since then that it makes me wonder if there's a spirit attached to it... hmm. I try very hard to believe what God has said about me, and NOT to believe the lies of my youth, but at times, without warning, i will find myself SHUT DOWN. Tears will take me over and while it makes no sense to anyone else at the time, the words from years ago will SCREAM their messages at me... as if to 'put me back in my box' (if any of you know what that feels like, you'll understand). almost an accusation of, Who do you think you are to get out of the box where you "belong"? And believe me, it CAN take many minutes to shut off the screaming lies from the past, and regain my standing in Christ. No, i KNOW i never left, i just got knocked over and needed to stand up again.

kindled thoughts

THE BACKGROUND INFO

“Statistics show that 75% of those who lose their spouse to death, will be rejected by family and friends! That is sad and shocking! We here at WidowsHope are trying to educate the world to the very real plight of widow/widowers in the world. They are the least supported and most abandoned populace in the world! There are many reasons why we are abandoned, greed (they were not in the will - goodbye), we become a source of pity that they cannot fix quickly enough, we depress them, we need them too much, and we do not make the decisions they want us to make. It is a sad statement of the way the world treats widows and orphans. Help us to change that! WidowsHope wants to educate and strengthen our members.” (from WidowsHope fb page)

In response to NUMEROUS comments lamenting the validity of the above post, a lady wrote: I am sorry for the many who do not feel supported by those around them. I do not feel abandon(ed). I feel supported by God! He always seems to send what I need on a day I need it ! ... I try very hard not to dwell on who is or is not here with me. It's my journey and I look at it as an opportunity to speak about ... widowhood ... . I know my journey will one day be someone else's and I would like them to think back on how I handled the loss in a good way. I keep in mind that my husband ... was the one who passed away. He deserves the pity and praise for what he suffered. Not me. I want to make people be comfortable talking to me and reach out to new people too. I have control of this journey and really with God at my side... he provides those I need.

I read that (around 1:30 am, 6/25/16), closed the tablet and attempted to get some sleep. Half an hour later, still awake, I reopened the tablet... still open to the comments where the paragraph sat, humbly waiting for my return. During that time something had shifted in my thinking.

I replied: Thank you! Your words shifted something in my mind ... and it was as if Abba was giving me a new and different way to understand this journey, (in that) My life has always been MY journey. Different people have come into and out of it as I have traveled its course, some more personal in their contact and others less, some staying longer and others less. Only I myself and the Lord God have been truly constant in it, and so it shall be forever! How did I miss this till now?

I did not add, “Eureka!!” or any remarks about an epiphany, but give or take two hours later, 4:11 a.m., I was awake again, and I decided to check in on the post.

A second lady had come into it and was curious about my entry, saying: I am glad you see this in a positive impact and attitude. Which, I have as much as I could, too, even with the evil in my life. So I have to ask, if your life is going great and you are not having any issues; why are you here in the widows group? You must have had an issue or a struggle or you want to read each of ours. I am just curious. I am here to help others. And my journey is not over, never will be. And I have my faith and love of God who has guided me, too.

It seemed appropriate to fill in the obvious gap I had left, so I wrote: my husband of 32+ years was abruptly snatched from my life 3.75 years ago, and I've been in some very dark places since then. Not constantly, to be sure, but the rejected-ness that began this thread of conversation is no stranger to me!

I thought perhaps I ought to have inserted something to indicate that what followed was the changed perspective, not the way I have been viewing my life, so I then added the 2 words in parentheses in my previous comment.

END OF BACKGROUND INFO


What happened in my thinking? Wow, lights-a-flashing and ideas popping all over the place! Now how to force them from 2 and 4 a.m. thinking to words at 9 a.m.

It was most certainly a Eureka! moment when the concept that the life I live is my OWN journey... not that of those around me wherein I play a bit part... which (I suspect “sadly”) must be the way I have seen my life for the majority of this time!!! How dreadful a situation is that? No wonder thinking about my life has always made me sad enough to weep!

But to now have seen the notion that each of us has this journey with HUGE differences in the degrees of intimacy, and that we intersect with others who are doing the exact same thing as we, for various periods of time (refer to italics above)!

Abba took me back to my years in the Air Force... Basic Training, Tech School, my first, second, third and finally fourth duty stations... ALL the uncountable people whose lives had intersected with mine... and the ONE of whom is still a friend!

(For many years I believed there were two, till nine months ago when we met up again after 43 years of sending birthday and Christmas greetings, letters and interacting when possible, I was summarily informed that we were NOT friends and never HAD been! ...we were only two people who had shared a room in the barracks for a short while. We had nothing in common and therefore could not possibly be friends. ...to remove her from my Facebook friends list, her number from my phone, her address from... you get the picture. Talk about Rejection? That’ll set anybody back on their heels! Shoot! I had thought we had some history... clearly, what did I know?)

Father reminded me of all those who have known me since I met Him in 1976 and before ...decade by decade. ...SHOWING me how some had come and gone without specific notice, while others’ departures consumed me with grief. ...but always He and I were there. ...no one else knew the goings on in that secret place. NO ONE else was ever ALWAYS with me, not even my beloved Michael.



My life is a journey. ...a path of steps I alone can take. And while some who have intersected, stayed but then had to leave this journey of mine... still it is MY journey I am on... not theirs.


ADDENDUM - 6-26-16

While sharing with my sweet Grandmaster Brenda tonight, a wee adjustment was made to the previous revelation. While OTHERS are but “bit players” in MY life journey, I am, indeed, a bit player in the lives that swirl around me daily, and that is only right.

Today...

Sometimes when I sit down at my desk, I really WANT to write. the thing is, there's no subject in my mind, no specific idea upon which I want to expound or even ponder at any length. I read what others have written, and am so often uplifted or challenged to think differently about something I never questioned my "position" on before, and I come away feeling good about the time. But WRITING... having something to say that might even remotely be of any interest to anyone but myself? SAYING something, putting MY words out to the world...
And here my friend's words come softly to mind, gently chastening me not to listen to the words of doubt, but rather to give "voice" to the inner me, who struggles with self-worth, being of value, and being loved just for being myself. God uses her.

Recurring Vertigo

   I was laying on the floor playing with the pups who live with me two weeks ago (Tuesday, August 25, 2015), when in the process of getting up from there, I turned my head to the left... and BAM! Suddenly the world no longer sat in place as it should. In fact, it moved so violently that I felt obligated to turn my head back to center to see if I could make it stop! Just so you know, that doesn't work well.
 

   When it cleared up within a minute or so, I went on with my day, under the impression that, as in instances of its kind before, it would be quite some time before I experienced that again. However, much to my dismay and distress, it returned MUCH sooner than anticipated. To wit, only hours later, while floating in the swimming pool, once again upon turning my head to the left... BAM! The pool, sky, clubhouse, and all in sight, were swirling continuously but gently, round and round as if without a care in the world.

 

   My problem at that moment was that I was several yards out in the pool, no walls within reach, and I desperately needed to hold onto SOMETHING that wouldn't move! This time was worse than the first, lasted longer, and I also felt nauseous to the point it seemed I might hurl (thankfully I did NOT). With the help of the pool side, I managed to work my way to the steps in the corner and sit there till I thought I might be able to walk to the car. Thankfully, there was a guy there in the pool who was appropriately understanding of the situation, and assisted me in that walk to the car. :D

 

   The current thinking as to causes of vertigo include benign paroxysmal positional vertigo (BPPV), Vestibular neuritis or labyrinthitis, a virus which naturally has to go through its life cycle as antibiotics are useless on such), and one other somewhat unlikely cause, but being unlikely, I'm not bothering with it.

 

   It's a very disconcerting sensation, vertigo is... unnerving, as well! Just when the world seems to have righted itself, if one's head turns or tips or whichever move sets it off, it can feeling as if walking in the dark on a Tilt-a-Whirl ride that's in motion (for a visual, copy this link to your browser - http://yhoo.it/1O8sLnN), or VERY drunk.

 

   A nurse-friend I called recommended I get/take meclizine in whatever form I chose. I got the chewable lozenge which my doctor told me to take of three daily, but even with that, if I tipped, turned or moved my head suddenly to the left, I could tell I needed to stop that motion and return to upright. It became clear to me that for the time being I needed to not tip my head to the left, or the spinning began again. Also, numerous times while lying in bed, when it would begin, the quickest way to normal, was to place my palm on the vertical side of the bedside stand drawer. Somehow the stillness of that solid object stopped the spin. Otherwise, all is fine - normal - upright and without incident.

 

   There's an exercise that's recommended for getting rid of vertigo which I attempted without assistance, called the Epley Maneuver (http://www.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/liberatory-maneuvers-for-vertigo-epley-maneuver). I also pressed a couple of magnets placed over my ears three or four times for a few moments at a time, and between the 2 of those and some time, as of today (9-8-15) I'm not being hounded by dizziness any longer. What actually made it go away, I cannot tell you, but, being able to once again get up and down, and move, turn and all the other moves we humans do without a thought... is FABULOUS. ...not to mention, a great relief.

MeantToFly: Dark Places

sharing the blog of a friend...


MeantToFly: Dark Places: Long enough, God —      you’ve ignored me long enough. I’ve looked at the back of your head      long enough. Long enough I’ve carrie...

so hard to talk about

Who could imagine so much sudden, emotional upheaval for a single life.  ...in just a year's time.  2012

Mom's birthday in mid February was rough... Dad left home for what turned out to be the last time... went to the hospital and was told he couldn't live alone anymore.  Consequently, when he left the hospital this time, it was to enter an assisted living place in Perrysburg.

Smokey, our 15 year old cat, had been sickly off and on for 6 months or so. When she disappeared in March, we called, and searched and called some more; with no discernible response.  She had done this before, so at first we weren't overly concerned.  Then, one afternoon it occurred to Mike to look under the house for her and there she was. So weak she didn't even move except to look at him when he got down at ground level with a flashlight.  The next day when he checked again, she had not moved and didn't respond at all.  So he took an old bath towel with him to wrap her in, to bring her back out for burial.  We both cried so much over the loss of that sweet old kitty.

By the time the end of April came our way we had pretty much recovered from Smokey's passing, and were adjusting to Peaches being our only cat and were on our way home from church that last Wednesday night of the month, when a light-colored pickup truck blew the stop sign coming off the interstate, pulled across to our lane and slowed to nearly a stop right in front of us as we descended the overpass.  To avoid T-boning the truck, I called out "look out" to Mike who had SEEN the truck blow the sign.  But having expected the truck to keep moving and, not realizing the guy was nearly stopped in our path, Mike glanced at the phone he was handing me.  At my call, he ‘looked out‘, pulled the wheel to the right - moving us partly into the next lane (thankfully there was no traffic in that lane!), but not quite far enough to miss the truck.... resulting in the left front corner of our Dodge Sport pickup catching the left rear of his truck, spinning us 180 degrees, setting off the air bag, leaving us facing up the lane we had just come down and killing the little truck we had had for less than 12 months.

To say we were shaken up is an understatement. That we were surprised when Matt suddenly appeared; that witnesses chased the truck as it left the scene of the accident, but could not get a tag number, so we had no recourse that direction; that I could even talk when I called Pastor's house to report the accident (Mike and others had already called 911) I was shaking so violently... is all beyond description.  And, once again, we were in need of personal transportation. (Thankfully, that was easily resolved.)

All too soon it was August. I was talking with Daddy on the phone on the 5th and saying ‘goodbye’ to him on the 23rd… Attending his memorial the following Monday, (Teri Hansen’s birthday), and driving home the next day, only to attend two more memorial services in the next month and a half.  The first was for Jessica T’s father-in-law and the 2nd for Ruth T’s sweet husband, Victor.

Then, just five days after Victor's memorial, on October 18th, Mike was riding the bike to work on a typical October morning with patchy fog, when a car blew the stop sign (yes! again!), pulled out from a side road into his path.  In what I'm told was a successful attempt not to collide with the car, they believe Mike hit the rear brakes too hard and lost control of the bike. He next opened his eyes in glory.

I never imagined how much I would miss him. The thought returns over and over, that I never wanted to live without Michael here with me.  …not that I would intentionally do myself harm, by any means… but I’m not (just about a month out from the accident) really enthused with life at this point.  I’m not seeing a purpose for all the hours between Sunday mornings and Wednesday evenings.  Now... months later... I think it might actually be more difficult than it was those first 2 months.  It is most certainly harder to keep a clear head some days...